alright well i guess things are going better.. ive actually dropped some lbs pretty quickly and feel im looking better already im glad i shaped up again and got things back in control. i just hope i can stick to it when i go to chicago this weekend! the one thing that keeps running through my head and making me smile kinda is the fact that i went to abercrombie the other day looking to buy a pair of jeans and the 00's were FAR too big on me! yesss so im thinking of going to the kids a&f and see how those fit? im going to feel awkward walking in there though. i just want a new pair of jeans and im not getting anymore money til the end of the month and i only have a lil over 100 right now soo if not the jeans then ill get the pucci scarf ive been eyeing in saks :) anyway im off  to watch real world!

alright so those laxatives i took last night were truly a miracle worker.. i just weighed myself AFTER having a bowl of special K and it said i weighed 96.5!!! im a lil surprised by the dramatic drop but am in love with the new numbers! going to keep with the 28 day plan and rely on my laxatives as usual as a last resort.. good luck to everyone else and i hope i can keep this up. i see my boyfriend again in 2 weeks when i visit NY for the weekend and then i see him again in philly on the 26 before i leave for france for 6 weeks!

so yeah.. everything was going fine again until 4 o'clock rolled around and my parents were bugging me about how i hadnt eaten lunch so i forced myself to eat a slice of left over pizza to make them happy. ughh. its hard for me to admit this but i just took 30 laxatives to purge the stuff i ate today. alot i know but, it makes me feel better and somewhat convinces me that im going to be alright. im not going to lie. the things are addicting but they are really my saving grace. 

anyway, so i was just on facebook and my friend posted pics up of all of us from freshman year. yikes. i was so embarrassed and disappointed about how i looked then. im SO glad i changed my lifestyle. although looking at these pictures made me somewhat embarrassed they also made me happy to see how much ive progressed and how much better i look now. :)

well, my thoughts are kinda scrambled right now so i cant think of much else to say but ill be back as usual later!

so yesterday was a good day for me. i felt i accomplished a lot and stayed on track with my goal. here's a brief  summary of what went on (kinda):                                                                                                                          

                          1.ran on beach for 20 min
                          2. dance for 50 min
                          3. 30 push ups
                          4. 100 side leg lifts
                          5. 50 squats
                          6. 300 crunches
                          7. AND on top of it all i only consumed 160 calories

so, im hoping today will be good as well. ive started out with 2 egg whites only 50 cal and i plan on going running again later today and maybe going shopping?? anyway, ive gotta run to dance so ill see ya'll later!

alright well.. i recently joined this community called the 28 day plan and im actually pretty excited about it.. right now im keeping my calorie intake between 350-400 and im hoping i can stick to it! especially since i am going to chicago next weekend,new york the following, then philadelphia the next and then finally on the 28th going to france for 6 weeks! im thinking while im there it shouldnt be too hard to stick to it: portion sizes are smaller, i wont have a readily available kitchen/pantry, ill have others around to keep me motivated and on track subconsiously, and most importantly MY PARENTS WONT BE THERE!!!! thank god. they always ruin my goals and watch me incessantly. alright well im off to get dressed and then go hit up the beach for a quick run! be back later tonite with my progress, etc.

alright so.. i've decided to start this journal after being inspired by other various websites that have helped me learn that writing down your feelings can be somewhat therapeutic. not only that, but i hope (keep fingers crossed) that this journal will help keep me occupied and away from food.

lately, i just dont know whats going on. i mean, i know the majority of the fact is that ive been bored and that being home from college for the summer is causing me to be lazy etc. but i really feel there is no excuse for the way ive been acting. my boyfriend just came down to visit me for a week and i felt like the biggest lard. it was really weird. right after i dropped him off at the airport i came back and had this huge binge fest which made me feel horrible! i had started the day off great too and thought that i seemed determined enough to keep it going like old times. at breakfast all i had was about a handful of blackberries (which i have heard have a negative calorie content) and a tab energy drink which only have 5 calories. but goddammit when i got back there was just no stopping me. i had pieces of grilled chicken and mushrooms from my boyfriends leftover pasta from the night before and then proceeded to reheat a bowl of pasta bolognese topping it off with parmesean cheese. i dont even like pasta bolognese!!!! and then even though i felt extremely guilty and fat i continued to dive into the bag of oreos all the while looking at pro-ana sites online. youd think this would have stopped me. WRONG. so after that from the stuff i had been reading online i decided to take evasive action.

i did 50 squats, 300 crunches, 100 side leg lifts, 20 min dancing, and 30 push ups. i may have done other stuff too but i dont remember at the moment. so i was feeling a little better after that. i also decided to start making my own thinspiration binder. im going to try to make it really organized and good. right now im organizing things into 5 sections: 1. nicole richie 2. lindsay lohan 3. other skinny/pretty celebs 4. diet/fitness 5. beauty... the process of making this binder was surprisingly helpful. i decided to stop at a certain point in the process of making the binder and go for a 40 min jog which turned into a 30 min jog but A JOG NONETHELESS!!! on the beach. i felt much better about what had happened earlier in the day. it really sucks though cause i had i been at school or just anywhere besides where my parents were watching over me i would have been done for the day. but my mom watches me like a hawk when it comes to food so of course i had to eat dinner. we got take out so of course it was kinda hard to find something healthy but i felt i made a good choice in choosing tuna on pita bread with a side of fruit. after that i was done! and i kept trying to rev up my metabolism by drinking loads of the green tea, my saving grace!

but then today rolled around. i told my aunt i would babysit for her kids today from 8:30 to 6:30. which i thought would be a good idea and keep me away from the food. once again, i started the day off right. bowl of special k and then had a diet soda while babysitting. we then went to the movies and i was still fine. but when i got back i was real hungry and made some kettle corn. i wish i had been at home, i would have made a much healthier snack choice. god only knows how many calories there are in that! and then i decided id be done. then 4 oclock rolled around and his brother needed to be picked up. i dont know what came over me but something told me i needed to grab a hand full of wheat thins <-- one of the worst snack choices ever made. so i ate that for some unknown reason as well. so then i got back and reflected on what happened and decided all was still ok since i had planned on going running again later today. but when i got home around 630 the exact opposite happened! i just kept on eating and eating. i had 2 handfuls of apple cinnamon mini rice cakes, a handful of mini swirls cereal, two oreos, 2 handfuls of soy crisps, 2 handfuls of shredded cheese, a dove chocolate square, a dove chocolate and caramel square and 3 slices of thinly sliced turkey. what the fuck?! and then of course my parents wanted to get take out from some thai place shortly after my binge. so i got the grilled chicken with vegetables and proceeded afterwards to have 8 oreos. gross. ughh. stupid. why do i do this when i know it takes me further from my goal. im too scared to weigh myself cause i know ill be really upset. last time i weighed myself i weighed 99. which i was plenty happy with. but then again, that was over a week ago, before my boyfriend came to visit and before i decided to start binge eating. keep in mind though im premenstrual and i tend to eat a lot more during these periods. so this period better come quick!!!! im planning on taking laxatives tonight and going running twice tomorrow. im also planning on doing whatever else i can strength and muscle building wise tonite after i finish up on the computer. i just hope and pray i dont get fat. im giving myself 2 more days before i get enough courage to get back on the scale.

anyway, so my goal is to weigh anywhere from 90-95. im 5 feet 1/2 inches tall so thats nothing too drastic but i know ill be a lot happier here. i look to nicole richie and lindsay lohan a lot for inspiration on weight, style, etc.

my main reason for starting this journal up is to expresss myself in some way and also to get others to read what i have to say about my strive for perfection and to possibly share ideas, tips, anything to help me and others get closer to their/my goals. so if you read this, please feel free to friend me and write a comment! hope to hear from you and hope you are having better luck than me! ill keep updated with my journal and hopefully get more familiar with this whole thing and make it more like a pro ana website. ill see what i can do.